"My Stupid Mouth"

Okay, so I know that my posts have been a litte dreary or sad lately. I decided today to post something a little more on the "light side". I have to admit, it's a look into my life, but it is quite amusing...At least I think so.

Okay, so for those who don't know me very well.... I'll give you a little insight into my personality. My husband tells me all the time that I try to hard to be nice...to be funny... He says that people like me, but that I am annoying because I try too hard. Overcompensation, I guess. He says it is the most positive, loving way...I think.

I have been listening to John Mayer's CD, Room for Squares. I know that it is an older CD, but I had not ever had a chance to listen to the entire CD until this week. (Thanks to my local library, I am enjoying this for FREE.)

When I heard the fun and upbeat song, My Stupid Mouth, on the CD, I smiled and laughed outloud. Who knew that John Mayer knew me? He doesn't, but he is telling my story even though we have never met. (Link for the lyrics is above, but to hear a snippet of the song, click here and then click on music, then on "Room for Squares" and click to listen to the song.)

I knew the song was for me when I heard the first few words...
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again

How many times has that happened to me? How many times have I laid awake at night for hours wondering if I have offended someone, wasn't nice enough, was "overly friendly", wasn't funny, or said too much. Usually, I worry about the first and last of the list the most.

Then, there's more....
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again

I don't know how many times I have thought that. I am always afraid of losing a friend and/or making a fool of myself. Then, I get to the point where I tell myself that I will never EVER provide "too much information" again, but I always have one more thing...one more comment...one last remark. My grandmother has always said, "You'll have the last word or DIE." Isn't that the truth? I'm getting better...I hope. (Although, I get it honest. My mother is stubborn and my dad is a rambler...just like me.)

During the song, every time John refers to "I'm never speaking up again", his next line is "Starting Now" or "One more thing." Once again, I guess someone told John Mayer about me.

One more thing...
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Okay, now this is the deep part. It all comes down to the fact that I want to be liked. I don't want to make too many waves, at least in a negative way, and I DEFINITELY do not want to offend anyone. So, now you know me. I may be outspoken and I seem to make friends easily. But INSIDE, I'm wondering... Am I trying too hard? Am I being funny, but not obviously trying to be funny? Do they like me? What do the others in the room think of me?
Am I rambling or saying too much? Then, after I leave the conversation or event, I analyze every comment. Geez, Jen...What did you say that? Why weren't you more witty? Why did you short change yourself and make such dumb comments? Why did you act like a kid? Why are you so boring? You should have said this instead of that! And the list goes on and on.

So the next time that you see me and you say hello, I'll try my best to say something interesting, intelligent, witty, and without rambling. If I fail to meet the requirements that I have set for myself, please forgive me. I am trying. It is something that I have struggled with every day and probably will for the remainder of my life. So just hope that one day I can find the "filter" that John speaks about in his song. I just hope my friends will still love me in the meantime.

Laughter and Tears...

After the funeral today, I spent time relaxing. First, with a much needed nap and then with reading a few books that I picked up earlier this week from the library. I read another one of Dr. Angleou's books today, "Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now". (This book was recommended by my friend, Charlie Tee. Thank you Charlie...I really needed this.)

Little did I know how helpful this book would be for me today. The book is a book of short stories...maybe I should rephrase it. It was an insightful and inspiring book that gives such outstanding insight in multiple areas/topics. One section was titled "Death and the Legacy". "I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return. Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows its wake." Believe me, I understand. However, later in the text, she states "Also, when I sense myself filling with rage at the absence of a beloved, I try as soon as possible to remember that my concerns and questions, my efforts and answers should be focused on what I did or can learn from my departed love. What legacy was left which can help me in the art of living a good life?"

That was the theme of the service today. It was the first funeral where I can say that I felt joy and saddness at the same time. Joy that a young boy will never hurt again...Joy that a young boy got a heart and was able to be a child and play and laugh...

However, the veil of sadness was never far from our hearts and minds. One moment, the family and friends of the young boy would be laughing and reminiscing, the next we would be sharing tears of sadness. Just as any other veil, it is something that you can see through...I know that the family of the young boy can see through their sorrow to rejoice in his memory and be thankful that we will see him again one day.

As I sat through the service, I thankfully had my supportive husband by my side. He held me close as the young boy's family and friends stood up to say good bye. With one arm around my shoulder and the other hand in mine. I held onto him tightly as tears ran down my face. The service began with a man singing "Lean on Me", which was the young boy's favorite song. That song always makes me tear up anyway, but on this day, it was even more emotional. This song, a song of friendship, brotherhood, and sharing sorrows and joys with others, was this young boy's song. He always shared his joy with others. I had only been blessed to meet him on a few occasions, but it was always joyous and fun. He always had a smile on his face. As many of the speakers said today, "He was a brave young man...a caring young man..."

So, I guess what I have learned from this experience is that we should love and show love every minute of every day. Acknowledge and recognize those who have inspired and loved us. Don't wait until tomorrow to be the person you want to be today.

Hard to say goodbye...

I just received the call that everyone dreads to receive. The call that informs you that a loved one passed away. A very close friend of mine called to tell me that her cousin passed away today. Her cousin, more like her brother, has gone through a lot in his life. Even though he had not yet begun his teenage years, he had faced more struggles than most adults. Numerous surgeries, including a heart transplant, multiple hospitalizations, and he went through it all with unsurpassed courage and bravery. Medications, trips to the hospital and doctors, procedures, tests, and many other obstacles were presented to him, but he was able to push through. It has been hard to say good bye for his family, because they always hoped with every procedure, every doctor's visit, and every illness...that he would pull through...and he always did.

It was less than a year ago when I met him, but he always brightened my spirits. He had a light about him. Even when his heart was sick, it was still so fully of joy and love.

He had a heart disorder and was on the list for a transplant for a while. He finally received a heart several months ago. We were all joyous when he came through the surgery successfully. My friend's parents traveled many miles to be with him during all visits and surgeries. They worked so hard to provide the parental support that he needed. Waiting for a donor is very hard and I know that his family had a hard time with the wait. It makes it harder when some people, medical professionals included, felt that he was less deserving than other patients of a transplant. He was a young boy with developmental disabilities.

Somehow, medical professionals made the determination that because he wasn't "a normal child", it would not put the organ to proper use. I don't know how they can determine what is and what isn't a normal child. Thankfully, the family was able to find a hospital in Virginia who would perform the transplant.

He had been doing well until a few days ago when he came down with a stomach virus/flu. He was dehydrated he was admitted to the hospital. As they were running more tests, they found fluid on his heart. They performed a procedure to remove the fluid. Then, as request by the parents and his physician in Virginia, he was to be transported this morning to the hospital in Virginia. Because of a variety of complications, he was not transported until several hours after the originally scheduled transport time. He had two heart attacks today, but his body was unable to fight anymore. He passed away this evening.

I know that his family will miss him. I know that I will miss him. He had so much HEART for one boy! I know that it is hard for his family and I am going to do what I can for them. I am thankful that I have my friend and her family in my life and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to meet someone who has always reminded me of how precious life is and how to fight for life every day!!!

So, as I get ready for bed, I'll say a few extra prayers and give thanks for all that I have been given. I'll hug my husband a little tighter and be thankful that I got to spend another day with my family and friends.

I was listening to the new Rascal Flatts CD in the car yesterday. There is a song that talks about a friend who passed away and how it inspired them to live each day to the fullest. The line goes, "I want to be running when the sand runs out." So, I guess that's what I'll do. I'll spend time with my family and friends. I'll do work that I am proud of and that will hopefully affect the lives of others in a positive way. Most of all, I'll cherish every moment and be thankful for all the blessings that I receive.

So, right now, I'll give thanks for all of my friends. THANK YOU!

One last thought...all lives are valuable and no live is without value...no matter who they are, their age, their health, or other characteristics...We all have value and all desire to be valued.

Good night

Bush Makes Pick

I just got online to check my mail and I saw that MSN had listed Bush's pick for Supreme Court even though his formal announcement is not planned to take place until 9 or so.

Click here to read the article.

This might prevent you all from continuing to read my blog, but I am going to say it anyway...

(I hope I don't offend anyone, but I feel that I need to speak my mind.)

Heaven help us that Bush has selected a CONSERVATIVE to the court. I understand why he did....it's his views and he wants someone who sees eye to eye with him. However, I would like to see a balanced court, no matter who is president.

QUOTE FROM MSN ARTICLE: "He [Roberts] co-wrote a brief in 1990 that suggested the Supreme Court overturn Roe v. Wade..."

Let's just say that I am very afraid. Afraid of what the future will hold. I believe in the right to choose...not a choice I would make personally, but I support to right for a person to choose. Okay, so I am a liberal. I am not ashamed...I get on my soap box proudly. I have realized that I am one liberal in a world of non-liberals in this area, but I can't help it. I sport my HRC member/supporter sticker on my car and YES, I still have the Kerry-Edwards sticker in my back window. I am not a straight ticket democrat, but I am a LIBERAL.

I am not UN AMERICAN...I support our president AND I proudly support our troops.

I am sure that this decision will make Jerry Falwell very happy. He's planning a celebration as we speak, I'm sure. Falwell and his "supporters" scare me. The thought that Disney World is not appropriate for children because they hire members of the gay community and have activities and parades for the gay community is absurd. That is just one of the many "insightful" thoughts that has come out of his mouth. I am sure that he believes that homosexuality is an contagious disease that could taint our children. When I hear him speak, I don't know which emotion is the strongest...ANGER, FEAR, or SADNESS. If this isn't enough to evoke emotion, here's a quote of Falwell's that I just found on the 'net. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." SCARY STUFF, HUH?

I am a Christian and I am a firm believer that "loving all God's creatures" is paramount. I believe that using faith to create hate, terror, and intolerance is WRONG.

Okay, so I'll get off my soap box for now....but just keep in mind...Just because people have different views on certain things does not mean that they can't respect and befriend one another. I am a believer in equal rights for all...not just a select few or the "chosen ones". If that's being liberal, then so be it.

I hope I haven't offended anyone. Have a great evening.

Stories from my grandmother - STORY ONE

I realize it has taken me longer to post this than I had planned. I have been swamped and I apologize. Without further delay, here it goes.

Intro: Eerie as this story is, I love to hear my grandmother tell it. She said, "Now, why do you want to hear this story again...it gives me chills to tell it." I told her that I was weird, I guess, but that I just love to hear her voice when she tells it. She makes me feel like I was there. That is why (I guess and hope) that I love hearing her tell this. (This is told from her point of view.)

One afternoon, while doing some house cleaning, I went outside to beat some rugs. The kids [my mother, aunt, and uncles] wanted to go down to the little service station to get a candy bar. On any other day, I would have given them a little money for a treat and they would have walked down to the store and returned to the house, with candy bar in hand. However, I was busy this day, and I kept telling the kids to wait a few minutes and that they could go later. A few minutes after me telling them to wait, I heard an explosion. I looked out through the yard and saw the service station at the bottom of the hill on fire. I told my friend, who was visiting, to take the kids to the top of the hill behind the house. Then, I saw a ball of fire coming up the hill toward the house. As it got closer, I realized that it was a man....a man on fire! I threw a blanket around the man to put the fire out. He was still ALIVE! His skin was charred and I am sure he was in extreme pain. Dr. Frazier was nearby and he came town to tend to the man. Dr. Frazier tried to give the man a shot, but was unable to because the man's skin was so damaged from the fire. The man asked for a glass of water. I ran and got him the water and the doctor gave him some pain pills. I think that he passed away before they got him to the hospital.

Later, we found out why the service station had went up in a blaze. A group of 'gypsies' had been painting houses and doing repairs through out the town. They needed some work done on their van. While Mr. Puckett, the owner of the service station, was doing repairs on the van, he needed to do some welding. The 'gypsies' didn't tell Mr. Puckett that there was paint, paint thinner, and tar in the back of the van. When he began welding, the station exploded. If I remember correctly, the only way they were able to identify Mr. Puckett after the accident was by his dentures and a belt buckle. After the accident, they also found the hand of a man who was in the station during the explosion far from the scene.

To this day, I think that Mamaw's maternal instincts kicked in and warned her about the events. Maternal instincts and God saved her children from the blaze.

I know that I can't tell this story as vividly as she can, but I gave it a shot.

A visit to Grandma's...

I just got home from a glorious visit with my grandmother and aunt. A friend of mine went with me, which made it the four of us girls just sitting, talking, and EATING. We laughed and laughed all evening and all of us told stories.

Then, this morning, after my aunt fixed us her speciality breakfast...chocolate chip whole wheat pancakes and bacon, I took my friend on a "tour" of my hometown. We passed the Dairy Queen and the store which used to be Gino's where my best friend and I would spend our allowances on blizzards and mini pizzas. Then, we passed my middle school, the skating rink, a few houses where my friends used to live, the cemetary where I drove a car for the first time (which was a disaster by the way), and a few other memorable places. I hadn't really thought about my home town in the way that I did this weekend, or at least I hadn't thought of it that way for a long time. I had never been so proud to be from a little town with a big heart. I had forgotten how sweet the people are....but I had never forgotten my wonderful aunt and grandmother.

I always look forward to going to my grandmother's, but I sometimes dread going back to my home town. It's not that I am ashamed of my past or the town, it is just that I used to think that many small town people were small (or closed) minded. I am beginning to realize that there are always those individuals wherever you go. That should not be a reason to not enjoy my visits back home. Besides, I am a girl from a small town, but I am not closed minded. So, I guess I was guilty of doing something that I criticize others for...stereotyping or generalizing a population.

Sometimes I forget how beautiful and peaceful it is in Ansted. I have to admit, I have taken the beauty for granted. Especially, when fall comes and the leaves turn, I love to drive over Gauley Mountain and look at the wonderful views. On my way up the mountain yesterday, I thought that this time, I wouldn't take it for granted. I stopped along the road in a few places to document the beauty with a camera...Cathedral Falls, Glen Ferris Falls, and a few others along the Gauley River.

So, after my friend left to go home, I spent a few more hours with my aunt and grandmother.

During this weekend, I got a few stories from Mamaw and my aunt that I would like to share over the next few days. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.

I learned more than I expected this weekend. I learned how to enjoy and love my hometown again!

The letter to my grandmother...

Before you read this post, please read my earlier post from this evening, if you haven't already. It explains this post.

So, here is my letter from my grandmother. I hope I can get through this and I hope it isn't a bunch of rambling babble.

Mamaw,
There are so many things that I want to tell you. I don't even know where to begin. I guess by telling you THANK YOU, would be most appropriate. Thank you for caring for me and raising me. Most of all, thank you for tolerating me and loving me when I was a mouthy teenager and was quite unlovable by most people. Thank you for showing me how to be a strong woman, although I still struggle with it. Thank you for showing me what love is all about. Thank you for showing me how to trust people and how to find the good in people, even though it has burned me a few times.

I know that I didn't always appreciate or understand your protection of me, but now I understand. I am getting older and (trying to be wiser), but I still need guidance from time to time. I am so glad that you are there. I think about you all the time. I should call and visit more often. I enjoy our visits...eating, laughing, and talking. (Of course, you knew that eating was in there somewhere!)

Food has always been a part of my life and I think that it is because of you and Aunt Jordan. I connect food with fond memories of hot rolls, warm cookies, and tall glasses of milk to wash it down. The get togethers at the house or at the church always felt like home. Or if it was just you and me eating slices of ham on your fresh hot rolls at the dining room table, it was still home. That is why, I'm sure, that so many of my friends always enjoyed visiting the house and enjoying your food...because for many of them, it was the closest they had ever felt to home. For other friends, it was a second home, just as their house was my second home. You always opened your doors and kitchen to anyone. You always offered a slice of pie or cookies with a cup of hot coffee to all of your visitors. Your hospitality has rubbed off and I am proud to say that I got that characteristic from you. I love cooking for guests and I always wonder if my dishes would make you proud.

I could write this letter forever and still never be able to thank you enough. I would never be able to tell you all the fond memories you've given me. So, for the next few points, I will highlight some of the ones that I think about frequently. Then, in another letter, I will tell you more of my wonderful memories from you, Aunt Jordan, and the wonderful house that has always been filled with love.

• Baking Christmas goodies and painting sugar cookies.
• Sipping hot tea with honey and nibbling on homemade shortbread cookies.
• The summers with chicken nuggets and 'tater tots' for lunch. But Tam and I always had to eat our green beans and applesauce...."You have to eat your veggies!"
• Sneaking a drink of your cold coffee when I was a youngster, only to realize that it was more cream than coffee!
• Being able to sit on your lap and cry my heart out, whenever I needed to...no matter how old I got!
• The trips to Hardee's with you, Papaw, and Aunt Jordan on Saturdays. Then, I usally got to go on a shopping spree (man, I was spoiled!)
• The great lengths that you, the family, and the church family went to so that I would have a wonderful wedding day! Preparing/hosting the rehearsal dinner, preparing breakfast for all of our overnight guests, and preparing and hosting the reception. Not to mention paying for all the food!!!! THANK YOU!
• Opening your heart and home to my husband and loving him as your own. He loves you very much! His family does too!
• The stories that you have told me and the lessons that you have taught me. I love spending time with you. I have learned so much from you and I know that I have a lot left to learn!

Like I said, I could go on forever...I have so many more memories that we can share. I hope that we continue to make and remember memories for many more years.

I love you and respect you more than you will ever know. I hope that this gives you some idea. I thank you and Aunt Jordan and the family for having faith in me and loving me unconditionally.

Love always,

Jen :)

My latest reading...

Okay, So I haven't posted in a while. I am very sorry....I have been busy reading...

I finished Dr. Angelou's "...Caged Bird..." last week and then my evenings this week have been taken up by reading James Patterson's latest novel, Sam's Letters to Jennifer. I just picked up the book at the library earlier this week and have read on it for three nights. Each night, my husband had to force me to put the book down so that I could get some rest.

I just finished the wonderful novel. I still have tears in my eyes writing this. I just had to come and talk about it as soon as I finished it! I loved his other romance novel, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas, and I loved this one too. Without ruining the story for you, Sam's Letters for Jennifer is about a writer from Chicago who spent her summers with her grandmother, Sam, when she was growing up. Jennifer, the writer, gets a call one morning that her grandmother is in a coma and she should come to visit her ASAP. She packs her bags and heads for the lake where Sam lives. Her grandmother had written her letters about her life and things that she wanted to tell her...before she could give them to her, she fell ill. When Jennifer arrived at Sam's house, after visiting her in the hospital, she begins to read the letters. Not only are the letters very interesting and heart warming, but the other events going on at the lake keeps the reader very engaged. Jennifer finds a love interest at the lake...not something that she had planned, since she just lost Danny, the love of her life, in a horrible accident several years before.

I won't go into any more details about the book....OTHER THAN it is a MUST READ.

So, after reading this novel, I found that it is even MORE important that I write down all my memories with my grandmother and have her tell her story.

It is so strange in the series of events....I wanted to write the stories, posted it on the blog, then read this book which inspired me to get moving, and so now I am going to my grandmother's house tomorrow evening and I PROMISE to have at least some of the stories posted by Monday. (The reason why I didn't get to document the stories and post them over the holiday is b/c there were so many guests at the get together that I didn't even get to visit with my grandmother that much, needless to say - one on one.)

This book reminded me that we may grow older and our loved ones pass away, but our memories and our love for them never die.

My next post this evening will be my letter to my grandmother. I hope to be able to share it with her this weekend. For now, I will post it so that you will understand my relationship with my grandmother.